Revenge of the Younglings
by Ellethiriel
Summary: It's Midwinter at the Temple, and Obi-Wan is being hunted by a group of younglings intent on ruining his day. Features hipster!Obi-Wan, a clueless Ahsoka, and a moody Anakin. Written for the Fanfiction Christmas Countdown.


**This is the next-to-last story for the Fanfiction Christmas Countdown. Tomorrow's story will be by Sixty-four K, so be sure to check her out!**

 **As this is a parody, everything is completely OOC and ridiculous, and I have no idea what I even _wrote._ O.O**

 **Characters (for those unfamiliar with The Clone Wars):**

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Jedi master, early thirties, king of civilized sass. Has a beard.**

 **Anakin Skywalker: Obi-Wan's former apprentice, about twenty, emotional.**

 **Ahsoka Tano: Anakin's apprentice, a togruta female who's about 15.**

 **Satine Kryze: Obi-Wan's love interest, the Duchess of Mandalore.**

* * *

"Master Obi-Wan!"

It was morning, yes, but he was only half-awake. Who could be in his chambers?

"Master!"

"Ughhh... what?"

A sudden deluge of water slammed into his face, soaking his pajamas and blanket. Obi-Wan sat up, gasping for air. Through the water in his eyes, he saw a gaggle of younglings running out of his room, screaming joyously. "We got 'im!" yelled some kid with tentacles hanging out of his head, brandishing a practice lightsaber.

 _Kriff it,_ Obi-Wan groaned mentally. _What's happening?_ After a second of intense soul-searching, he thought he knew. _Right, it's Midwinter. Again._

He flicked on the light and lurched over to the mirror, where, to his horror, he saw that the liquid dumped on him wasn't just water - it was _dye._ And now his face and hair were stained a forget-me-not blue.

"Kriff it."

* * *  
A shower managed to wash the dye off his skin, at least, and twenty minutes later, clothed and in his (relatively) right mind, Obi-Wan strode purposefully down the Temple hallways. A few stray snowflakes fluttered to the ground outside the arched windows, forming a paltry layer on the duracrete. Obi-Wan's hair was sticking up at odd angles, very blue and very horrifying. A random Twi'lek walked by, took one look at Obi-Wan and his uncharacteristic hair, and scuttled off in terror. (This Twi'lek, a very timid soul named Harold, reported to everyone he met that Obi-Wan had clearly gone mad and that everyone should evacuate the Temple immediately. No one believed his report.)

Anyway.

Even though Midwinter at the Temple was meant to be a relaxed holiday where it wasn't uncommon for the Jedi to drop the typical robes in favor of more casual wear, Obi-Wan was outfitted in - you guessed it - the typical robes. He had to be ready for anything. For the second time, Midwinter at the Jedi Temple had turned into a general hunt-for-Obi-Wan on the part of a horde of conniving younglings and some older Padawans.

You might wonder how this surprising development had come to pass. Allow me, the chronicler of this frightful tale, to enlighten you.

Midwinter had once been a peaceful holiday, filled with happiness, gift-giving, and frolicking children at play. But on the Midwinter before the one I am relating, a Padawan named Mirk, perhaps ten years old, found himself on the receiving end of a vicious prank involving an angry loth-cat, a bucket of pink glitter, and Mace's shaving cream. Needless to say, it did not end well, particularly for the loth-cat.

An inquiry into the matter was made by the Council that same day. Obi-Wan had been asleep at the time, but he was found with pink glitter all over his pajamas. Although he protested his innocence, and the Council finally determined the evidence inconclusive, the popular rumor among the under-twelves was that Obi-Wan had perpetrated the whole thing as revenge for Mirk stealing his frappe.

And thus it was that Obi-Wan became the target of all the Temple kids, and, on top of it all, never received any presents from Anakin or Ahsoka, who had accidentally forgotten to buy him some. Sigh. He had really wanted that high-end coffeemaker. Maybe this year they'd remembered. But then again, maybe not. Anyway, right now he could sense all the kids' negativity (and maybe even excitement?) thrumming through the Force very strongly, and it was not encouraging his hopes of survival.

Coffee. He needed coffee.

Keeping a wary eye out for rogue children, Obi-Wan entered the Jedi TempleTM Cafe and Gift Shop. He ordered a muffin and a large blue milk frappucino with caramel and three shots of whipped cream from the attractive brunette at the counter.

Setting his food down on a small table in the farthest corner from the door, Obi-Wan sat down and attempted to regain his composure. Surely the kids wouldn't find him here, at least for a while. He briefly considered texting Anakin or Ahsoka for backup, but then decided against it and began eating his muffin.

His phone dinged. Ooh. Maybe it was a text from Satine. Maybe she was even coming for a visit! At this cheery thought, Obi-Wan smiled toothily and swiped the lock screen. A text bubble met his gaze.

 **ahsoka 10:01 a.m.:** hey skyguy im kinda in a predicament

Obi-Wan's eyebrows shot up (a trait of his that had been perfected through years of trial). Ahsoka had obviously sent him a text meant for Anakin. As he was wondering how to respond, another text came in.

 **ahsoka 10:02 a.m.:** im out in the speeder parking could u plz come help me with this box?

Hmm. Well, he might as well help her. He quickly drank most of his frappucino, finished his muffin, and walked out of the cafe, feeling rejuvenated. Making his way outside the Temple to the speeder parking, frappucino in hand, he didn't think to look behind him. Until a snowball landed squarely in the back of his neck.

"OMG!" Ahsoka squealed behind him (why she would say that acronym in real life was beyond Obi-Wan's capacity to comprehend at the moment). He whirled on her, his face red enough to curdle the stomach of a Rokarian dirtfish.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"I totally thought you were Skyguy!" she said, her enormous blue eyes about as large as dinner plates. Obi-Wan thought the effect extremely unsettling. "I'm, like, so sorry!"

Obi-Wan gritted his teeth but reigned in his anger, as it was most uncivilized. He brushed the icy patch from his neck. "Please watch where you throw things next time."

"Yeah, yeah. Wait, why are you here anyway?"

"You texted me instead of Anakin, and I thought I might as well come to aid you."

"LOL, I don't need any 'aid'."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "So all this was an excuse to pelt Anakin with snow. But then I end up the victim. _Why_ is everything going wrong for me today?"

He waited for her to address the sad state of his hair, but Ahsoka just squinted at him. "Huh?"

"Um, isn't it obvious?" he said, pointing to his hair, normally a luxurious blondish hue.

"Wait, you didn't do that? I thought you were trying out a new style. It suits you, dude."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes again. "It was the younglings. And some Padawans. They attacked me this morning with a bucket of dye. I don't know when they'll finally get it through their thick little heads that I didn't set up that trap for Mirk!" He looked out over the vast city. If he had to, he could leave the Temple for the day to evade pursuit, but that might mean missing out on any presents. No matter what, he could not miss out on presents.

"Oh. Yeah, I dunno either," Ahsoka said with a weird laugh.

"Irritating little blighters."

"Yeah, duh." Ahsoka pulled out her phone, the latest in Coruscanti tech. It was outfitted with a garish orange case, the back emblazoned with one of Ahsoka's latest boy band obsessions - the Modal Nodes or something. (Obi-Wan had bought it for her the year before, but he rarely bothered to keep track of teen trends.) Ahsoka studied the phone, typed rapidly for a moment, then looked up at Obi-Wan and stowed it in her pouch.

"Okay, Anakin's coming now."

"Have fun, I guess." Obi-Wan looked at the cool frappucino in his hand and took a long drink, wandering away from Ahsoka. Secretly, he was hoping she would say something about the traditional gift-giving that evening, but alas, it was not to be.

Just then, the Force slammed urgently against him. Obi-Wan's hair stood on end as he whirled to see a horde of kids pouring into the parking lot. He turned and ran.

"Kriff, kriff, kriff," he muttered under his breath. Could this day get any worse?

Apparently so. Just then, he saw Anakin.

Anakin was both a blessing and a curse to all who knew him. He could be extremely helpful one minute and a total twit the next. Obi-Wan didn't know what Anakin's current state was, so he was scared.

"Hey, what's up?" Anakin asked moodily, pushing his shaggy hair out of one eye.

Obi-Wan eyed him dubiously, barely slowing down. Anakin matched his pace.

"Can't... stop... kids... chasing me," Obi-Wan huffed.

"Hmm, really?" Anakin asked with some interest. The kids were right behind them and screaming their kriffing heads off.

"YES!"

"Well, Force-jump!"

Obi-Wan was about to snarl something very uncivilized when he realized that Anakin had a good point. So he Force-leaped up onto a roof ledge, accidentally dropping his frappucino in the process. He sadly watched as the coffee plummeted to its demise. At least he had survived, though - the kids hadn't yet attained the great knowledge of Force-leaping and were standing cluelessly down below.

He was safe.

Anakin was useful for something after all.

Night fell, and the stars twinkled in the heavens like stars are apt to do. Obi-Wan had spent a relaxed but hungry day up on the roof. He'd been daydreaming about taking Satine on a romantic picnic where they could spend some quality time together (and eat a lot), when suddenly Anakin's voice called up to him.

"They're gone, Obi-Wan! You're safe!"

Obi-Wan jumped off the roof, thanking his lucky stars. Ahsoka was there with Anakin, and she offered him a steaming cup of coffee. "Thought you might, like, be thirsty," she said.

Obi-Wan gladly took the cup, feeling that the universe wasn't so bad after all. He didn't dare to ask if they had bought him the coffeemaker he wanted. He walked back with them to his chambers.

When the door slid open, he stared in shock at the large gift-wrapped present on his bed. "Did... did you actually get..." he began, before carelessly flinging the coffee mug aside (accidentally smashing it on Anakin's head) and tearing off the wrapping paper. To his shock, within the cardboard box lay a pair of brown, floofy slippers. A tag proclaimed them 100% organic bantha fur.

Obi-Wan stared.

"Don't you like them?" Ahsoka asked worriedly.

"Like them? I _love_ them!" Obi-Wan exclaimed delightedly, recovering from his initial shock. "They're so floofy!" He yanked off his boots and stuck them on his sweaty feet. "Thanks so much!"

Anakin and Ahsoka grinned and left the room, with Ahsoka muttering, " _Told_ you he'd like them" and Anakin shrugging.

Obi-Wan, meanwhile, was lounging in his recliner, slippers on his feet and a grin on his face. Life was good.

And then, the door opened again to reveal a horde of younglings.

Anakin and Ahsoka heard his scream reverberate across the Temple and could only sigh.


End file.
